Adult Sex Education: "The 30-Day Porn Cleanse -- The Pause That Refreshes"

In my experience and observation, many if not most guys look at some version of porn on a regular basis, whether viewing XTube sites, pic-swapping on hookup apps, or scrolling through Xitter/Tumblr/Reddit feeds. But we hardly ever talk about it or compare notes with others.

Gay men in particular have a complicated relationship with pornography. For many of us, porn was our first exposure to images of same-sex love and affection. It helped us understand our own desires and not feel so alone with them. At the same time, porn can convey a distorted view of what sex and bodies look like. Maintaining a critical attitude while also enjoying the pleasures of porn can be challenging and confusing.

In the last few years, my friend Craig Cullinane and I have co-facilitated an online class for the Body Electric School called “The 30-Day Porn Cleanse — The Pause That Refreshes.” Gathering once a week on Zoom with reading and homework assignments between full-group meetings, we invited men to undertake an inquiry into their consumption of erotic imagery, in whatever form they experience it.

What would it be like to take a break to evaluate and refine your porn practice? “The 30-Day Porn Cleanse” offers an opportunity to consider the Marie Kondo principles: how does porn bring me joy, and how does it not? How does it expand my erotic imagination, and how does it constrict it?

Using my book The Paradox Of Porn: Notes on Gay Male Sexual Culture as a jumping-off point, Craig and I encouraged men to examine their relationship with pornography in a non-judgmental and supportive environment. This was not about “treating porn addiction” – this course viewed erotic imagery as a portal to pleasure and self-discovery and offered participants “the pause that refreshes,” so they can return with mindfulness and choice to the porn-watching practice that serves them best.

We just completed this year’s Porn Cleanse, and at the final meeting we asked men to summarize what they got from taking the class. Here are some of their responses:

* I appreciated the one-on-one conversations between meetings. They helped make me conscious of a bigger picture.

* I was very grateful for the class. The buddy structure felt very supportive to me. It helped me feel less alone in my self-questioning, less shame about the place pornography holds in my erotic life, more self-trust. I came to understand more about the difference between authentic desire and desires that are manufactured for me by the porn industry.

* For me, it was like gay Lent, a useful period of sacrifice and contemplation. It gave me a chance to consider what’s truth and what’s illusion in the sex portrayed in porn. It helped me assess what porn makes me feel alive vs. what makes me feel unworthy. I’m determined to BE the porn I want to see.

illustration by Polleiro

* The opportunity to talk about porn, what I like and don’t like, was fantastic. The class was more in-depth and engaging than I expected. Among other things, I realized that having sex doesn’t automatically create a satisfying connection.

* I was surprised that I didn’t miss Twitter. I really liked the invitation to formulate my own experiment rather than have the terms dictated to me. I became aware that the embodiment practices are challenging to me — that’s my growing edge.

* I became aware of how ubiquitous images of naked men are in my life. They’re like the dish of M+Ms on your desk that you nibble all day just because they’re there.

* Visualizing spying on myself engaging with porn made a big impact on me. I felt waves of tenderness, gratitude, humanity, and brotherhood.

* As soon as I signed up to take this class, something changed. It’s great to know I’m not alone. Instead of only seeing porn as this shameful indulgence, I realized that this is what spending time with myself and having fun can look like. That I can use porn as kindling to cultivate the flame of my erotic aliveness.

* The pandemic led to enriching my self-pleasuring practice. Then when things returned to normal, I fell into a rut of routine, quick porn-and-self-pleasuring at the end of the day. This class gave me a chance to revisit the discoveries I’d made and nudged me to be gentle with myself. I appreciated the invitation to catalog the positive benefits of looking at erotic imagery and to expand my go-to repertoire beyond “greatest hits” to regular guys. I liked getting the opportunity to do something different.

illlustration by Osetes

* The satisfying connections I made through the buddy system and the process of self-reflection somehow reduced the importance of porn in my life.

* The class was a spur for me to be more thoughtful. I started keeping a detailed sex log. My intention was to go all month without looking at porn. This last week I reintroduced it, just to see what would happen. Some porn I looked at seemed stupid, others seemed more meaningful. It helped me think about myself and how my erotic body operates.

* The class made me aware of how puritanical I can be. Sharing the nooks and crannies of my erotic imagination brings up shame. But coming out of hiding and being less concerned with compartmentalizing felt very healthy.

These “pornversations” can be very simple and powerful, but it takes some courage and initiative to set them up. Motivated by the class, more than one participant mentioned having discussions with their friends (some of them heterosexual) about porn and finding it both gratifying and a surprising opening to vulnerability and intimacy.

Several men said they were inspired to continue cultivating erotic community by signing up for other Body Electric classes. The school offers both in-person and online classes. Some of the online classes are free, specifically designed to build intentional community through erotic empowerment. You can see the schedule of classes here.

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